Seeking Marriage
Common Concerns of those seeking marriage
• Fear of not finding someone with the desired qualities.
• Age-related fears, not finding someone in time.
• Fear marriage will never happen.
• Fear of having to settle for just anyone to beat the clock.
• Fear that past failures predict future failure.
Dating can be a time-consuming and costly way to find the relationship you seek. It can work, and that is wonderful. But for some, it has not been working.
Many people reach a point in life in which they are eager to find a partner with whom to share their lives. For women who are in childbearing years, this yearning can become strong and sometimes anxious, as the time ticks on. Some people get discouraged with the dating process and wonder if they should give up. So what are the alternatives for meeting good people?
Some good ways to meet people of quality are to take classes in subjects in which you have an interest. Joining an organization, church, temple or mosque where one can find people with similar beliefs is also advisable. Seeking a relationship specialist is a wise step for clarifying one’s relationship goals and criteria. A relationship specialist can help you navigate some of the important stages of preparing for marriage:
*Having a good relationship with your self
*Having a clear idea of the kind of person you want: the qualities, values, and priorities that are important to you to have in common.
*Contemplating what kinds of differences to which you can be open, to make life more interesting.
*Having clear goals about the kind of relationship you want in your marriage.
*Finding good possible partners who have similar goals
*Going through a “getting to know you” process that is patient and thorough
Many people can behave wonderfully for a short period of time in privacy with you. If you take more time, you can see if this wonderful person behaves in the same ways with his or her own friends and family and with your friends and family. In other words, what you want to discover is: do these wonderful qualities really belong to this person? Or are they an act? It sounds harsh to say, but many people are willing to put on an act to “win” you over. Once that is done, they relax and you find out who they really are. Please do not marry someone before you are sure you know who they really are.
After giving yourself at least a year to get to know someone, you will usually have a good “take” on a person. If your loved one doesn’t have the patience to wait this long, this could be a sign of immaturity. Please do not take it as a sign that you are doing the wrong thing. A solid, true person could handle such a process, and would respect it.
It is good to also ask your friends and parents for their opinions, if you respect their opinions and their objectivity. They are not “under the influence of love” and we all know that “love can be blind.” Your dear ones might be very good resources at such times. Make it clear that you are seeking their opinion, and will make your own decision. Then give their feedback some careful soul-searching. Ask yourself: do I see these same qualities? If negative qualities get a little worse over time, can I tolerate it?
When you find yourself getting overly anxious, depressed or even traumatized by the process of finding a life-long, satisfying committed relationship, it can be very helpful to work with an EMDR therapist. Often there are past memories that are a part of the problem, and keep one from being fully in the present with this unique person. Processing those memories with EMDR can be freeing and strengthening.
Sometimes there are negative beliefs that get in the way, such as “I don’t deserve…”, or “I’m unlovable,” or “I can’t trust.” These indicate that there are stressful or traumatic experiences early in life that are blocking your ability to receive and give love and trust in the present. EMDR has been very helpful in such issues. It takes longer than treatment for a single event trauma, but many clients have found it well-worth the effort.
EMDR has been found to have a beneficial side effect: it helps people to become better in their relationships as they clear their past traumas.
Please contact one of our Certified EMDR Therapists and get going toward your important goal. A loving relationship is worth working for, and the first step may be preparing yourself for it.
Seeking marriage with someone who shares your cherished goals and values can be an opportunity to create something new together: a relationship with a very good prognosis to last, be satisfying, safe and fun. Please call one of our EMDRIA-Certified EMDR therapists to get healing progress and support in this important treasure-hunt and treasured-relationship-creating process.
