Parenting: What Helps Parents with Stress?
Common Concerns of Parents:
Worry: “Am I doing the right thing?”
Exasperation: “I can’t stand my child’s attitude/behavior/bad habit”
Guilt: “I made a mistake with my child. Will it have long-term repercussions?”
“I don’t have enough time to . . . I am so tired!”
Overwhelm: “How can I care for my child’s needs when mine seem forgotten?”
Hope: “Can we keep a good parent-child relationship going throughout life?”
Parenting . . .possibly THE most important, and hardest, job in the world! How can we do it well without endlessly questioning ourselves? We already live pretty stressed lives in an all too stressed world. We need to take good care of ourselves so that we can teach and role-model to our children what we want them to learn. Many of us are working full-time as well as parenting. This means that we need more than ever to expand our capacity for self-care. However, if you are like most parents, you will say: “I can only take care of myself after I have taken care of . . . ” You probably secretly already know that needs to be the other way around. But, how do we do this without feeling guilty and being irresponsible? We accomplish good self care by understanding its value, and by teaching and modeling it for our children.
Some parents lack confidence about their ability to teach or model what they were never taught or modeled. EMDR therapy can be very helpful in learning new and practicing skills. We technically call this work “performance enhancement” work. EMDR has had very good results with this positive approach to the future almost from the beginning of it’s discovery (though it’s true that the first application was for trauma).
It is a rewarding task to involve children in understanding their needs, and even very small children can contribute valuably to a family discussion. It is often surprising to learn that we can meet our children’s needs once we have asked them what those needs are. Most children can tell us and are very happy to be asked. For example, a 5 year old daughter told her mother how much better she would feel having a little “love note” from Mom when she returned home from school. It took this mom less than 2 minutes to help her feel important and loved. It is positive to teach children different ways to handle multiple demands. This takes prioritizing, having clear limits and boundaries, and knowing when to say no, ask for help, or delegate.
Children can be so much more cooperative when they can see and understand everything that has to be done. Parents too feel so much better when they get a little help. After all, what feels better than family cooperation! Children can feel very proud of themselves for helping, and they don’t even realize how they are learning cooperation, management skills, self-care and self-responsibility. And in the process the parent-child relationship grows stronger.
Another aspect that goes a very long way is attitude. While most parents are tired at the end of the day, a child happy to see you come home helps rejuvenate your energy. A few minutes spent talking together about the day helps everyone to feel connected. Even making a game of going to the grocery store together makes a routine chore so much better. Everyone needs fun and laughter during their day. After all, being grumpy does not make things that need to be done feel any better.
This leads to homework. Helping with homework may be the last thing (if you are honest with yourself) that a parent may want to do after a long day’s work. However, the parent who keeps involved with their child’s school work helps a child to feel that their work/homework is valuable to their parent. A child who knows that their parents are familiar with and care about their “job” (which is to learn) is more likely to do his best. In the long run, this is time- and energy-saving for parents. It is easier to prevent a problem than to deal with one after it is established.
Participating in homework need not be a pressure. You do not need to do the work for your child. Simply sit near your child during the homework session, and be available as needed. This is very supportive. Let your child know you are proud of his or her efforts. This does much to build self-esteem, when you focus on the efforts and do not stress greatly about the results.
Teens have similar needs, though they may take new forms. Even though they would like us to believe that they are grown-up and don’t need us anymore, experience shows otherwise. Current research shows that the teenage brain will not achieve maturity until 25! So increasingly graduated responsibility makes sense, and provides safety.
Few teens will admit they need us, and when they do it is always on their time schedule, not ours. Achieving this is a delicate balance, but, again, can help remove worry. A wise parent will meet the needs when the teen expresses them, if at all possible. It it’s not possible, the parent can say, “your needs are important. Can we make a date to do this in an hour, or tomorrow?” And then be sure you do follow through, to maintain the trust of your son or daughter.
If you have questions about your particular parenting challenge or how you could improve your parent-child relationship, just scheduling a consultation with an EMDR therapist specializing in the treatment of children can be so positive and helpful. If the children and teens can be listened to, and feel heard, many problems can be avoided. Taking good care of ourselves should always be a high priority. Sometimes that means getting some professional help for our challenges and stresses that relate to our relationships as parents with our children.
Our EMDR specialists enjoy being useful resources to parents, so please call today. We wish you the guidance and support you need for this most important role.
San Diego therapist, Parenting Therapy
